


There Is A Light That Never Goes Out

by inkedstarlight



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Depression, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Happy Birthday Remus Lupin, Heavy Angst, M/M, Mild Smut, OotP, Sirius Black Dies, Suicidal Thoughts, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-11
Updated: 2017-03-11
Packaged: 2018-10-02 10:54:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,014
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10216430
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/inkedstarlight/pseuds/inkedstarlight
Summary: In which Remus is coping with his fiance's death on his birthday, and memories beckon. An EveryoneLives!AU... except for Sirius.





	

“Come on, you can do better than that!” he yelled, his voice echoing around the cavernous room.

A second jet of light hit him squarely on the chest, an ironic compliance to his provocation.

The laughter had not quite died from his face. A ghost of a smile remained in those dying eyes.

James, who had just finished off a Death Eater, watched helplessly as his body curved backward and floated through the shimmering veil. An aura of peace surrounded him. The whispers consumed him.

No. _No._ Something cracked in his chest as he pushed through Kingsley. He took off towards the unforgivable veil, his body completely taken over by grief. Kingsley caught up to him, pulling him back, stopping him from flying through the veil to Sirius.

_Sirius._

Before he could process another coherent thought, a man’s voice tore through the room.

“SIRIUS!” It was Remus’s heart wrenching scream. “SIRIUS!”

James swiveled his head to see his friend irrevocably breaking in front of his eyes. Remus sprinted toward the dais, but James broke away from Kingsley to get to him. His chest burned like fire as he gasped, reaching out to Remus and holding him upright around his chest.

He was barely breathing as he managed to say, “There’s nothing you can do, Remus –”

“We have to save him; he’s only just gone through!” His voice was laced with unleashed anger.

“It’s too late, Remus –”

“We can still reach him –” A spark of hope.

“There’s nothing you can do, Remus…nothing… He’s gone.”

With those two words, the light in Remus Lupin sputtered, and went out.

 

**Ten Months Later.**

 

“Let’s get out of the house.”

Remus’s unseeing eyes moved from the fireplace in front of him to a pair of soft, green ones. Lily’s hand reached out to him on the couch, fingers beckoning. He looked downward and stayed silent.

When she realized she wasn’t going to get an answer, she knelt on the floor.

“You need to get out, Remus.”

Still nothing.

“He wouldn’t have wanted you to do this, you know. Sirius would hate it to know that you haven’t talked for months.”

At that name, his eyes flashed to hers in a silent warning. Everyone had been avoiding saying his name in front of Remus. It made him unpredictable.

“It’s your birthday. Do you want to get a cake? Chocolate – your favorite.”

Silence was her only answer.

“Please, Remus. For me.” A plead.

He moved his head away and went back to staring at the fire. The flames licked their way around the burning wood. Growing, and then dying. The fire mocked him. He had a sudden urge to make it stop.

When Lily saw his face, she decided to give it a rest. She stood up and turned to leave when a frail hand gently grabbed her wrist. She turned around to see Remus hesitantly nodding at her. The surprise melted quickly from her face, replaced by something else. Her eyes warmed and she grasped his cold hand in her strong one.

She helped him get off the couch he has been living on ever since Sirius had died ten months ago. Ten unforgettable months of agony.

The first day, no one said a word to each other in 12 Grimmauld Place. Remus, with the help of James and Kingsley, had collapsed onto the couch. Lily and James had made their way upstairs to a bedroom where they held each other and cried for hours on end. The week after that was even worse. Lily’s ears were still plagued with the sound of Remus’s uncontrollable sobs that were the result of his never ending night terrors. That went on for another two months until James slipped Sleeping Draught into his water before he slept. That is, until Remus caught him sneaking the potion into his goblet. Remus had lost it that day. Something inside him snapped. He screamed at James and Lily until he lost his voice. He then ruined everything in the room, including pictures of him and Sirius. It was one of his darkest days.

Remus didn’t know, but after he retreated to his room, Lily had picked up the ripped up pieces of the photographs and charmed them back together. She put everything in a box that she knew Remus would look for one day. One day when his wounds were healed and his heart was mended.

Since that horrible day, Remus had been a silent man composed of shadows and dust. He didn’t speak to anyone, not even Harry, who James thought would get him to say something, _anything_.

James himself had changed after losing his best friend. Not as drastically as Remus, but Lily noticed nonetheless. He kept to himself months after, working more than he ought to. He distracted himself with the Order by tracking down Bellatrix Lestrange, the woman who killed Sirius. Lily still stayed up until the early hours of the morning to make sure her husband came home. He always did, not uttering a word as he pulled her into his arms and held her as if she could piece him back together. She just held him back every damned night, hoping it’s enough.

Lily shook those horrible thoughts from her mind. But as she looked at Remus, she noticed how much he had changed physically.

Although he had always been a lean man, his body was thinner than it ever has been. His collar bones jutted out from underneath the shirt he wore, Sirius’s old shirt. It hung from his shabby figure; his shoulders curved inward as if he is trying to shield himself from the world.

And his face.

Merlin, _his face_.

His once youthful features were now drawn out and exhausted. His lips were turned down at the ends in an endless frown. His marred skin was pale, contrasting only with the shadows of the scruffy, unshaved jaw and the shadows underneath his dull eyes. Those eyes, once full of love, now beaten by more years than he should ever know.

She stared at the stranger before her as he shrugged on his pea coat and wrapped a scarf around his neck. He turned to her, catching her eyes drinking in every last detail of his body. He grimaced.

“Ready?”

He looked at the front door and then back at her. He bit his chapped lips in thoughtfulness. Slowly, his hand came out from his pocket and shook as he held it out to her. An offering.

Lily grabbed it, steadying him. She walked forward a few steps, pulling him with her. She opened the door and Remus stepped outside.

A cold breeze kissed his face as he lifted his head to look at the world he had been missing. Though it’s nearly spring, he felt the remnants of winter in the chill of the weather. The brisk air nipped his face, but the sun that hung in a cloudless sky warmed his skin. He closed his eyes and savored the feeling of rekindling.

Then Lily began to walk down the steps, and his eyes snapped open. Remus stayed firmly on the top doorstep. She looked back at him, at the hand that was preventing her from moving any farther.

“What is it, Re?”

As soon as she called him by that beloved nickname, she regretted it. His eyes squeezed shut in pain as memories attempt to bombard his inner walls.

 _I love you, Re._ A soft laugh, one that always sent shivers down his spine.

 _Re, will you marry me?_ A breathtaking kiss.

A hand on his shoulder brought him back. He opened his eyes to see Lily standing there, unshed tears in her eyes.

“I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to –”

A shake of his head cut her off. _Go without me, I’ll stay here_ , his expression seemed to say.

“I can’t leave you outside –”

 _I’ll be okay. Please_.

“I’ll be back in 10 minutes. Don’t go too far, okay?” she tentatively said.

Another nod.

Lily gave him a reassuring smile and turned away. He watched her get into the beaten down car and drive away.

Remus sat down on the front steps, his hands clasped together on his lap.

_It’s your birthday._

He had forgotten. It was his first birthday since _that_ day, and he doesn’t give a shit. How could he possibly care? How can he live knowing that the man who should be here instead of himself is dead?

He let out a shaky breath and focused on the whispering wind. It danced through the trees and the grass and the fallen leaves.

Every day, every goddamn day of his sorry life Remus wished he were with him. He wished he had gone through that horribly illusionistic veil. He wished he had grabbed Sirius’s hand and gone with him to the world of the unknown. He wished he had gotten the chance to tell him how sorry he was, how he wished it could have been him instead of Sirius. It _should_ have been him, but he instead decided to trust someone else rather than his own fiancé, the person he was going to marry in two weeks.

A sob racked his body. And before he could stand up and retreat to the place he had been hiding for months, a sound froze his body to the spot.

_“Woof!”_

His head whipped around to see someone walking their black Labrador across the street.

And his entire body was transported back in time.

“Woof!” _A bark woke Remus from his deep sleep. He blearily opened his eyes to see a black dog stretched out on the bed next to him. Before he could say good morning, a wet, rough tongue began licking his neck._

_“Gerr…off…me!” He tried pushing Sirius, whose tail was wagging uncontrollably, off him. He didn’t budge. He was about to roll off the bed when there was a flash and suddenly, dog breath was replaced with hot kisses trailing up his neck and to his earlobe._

_“Good morning, birthday boy,” Sirius murmured._

This _, he could get used to._

_“’Morning to you too,” he mumbled happily._

_He moved his body until he was straddling Remus’s waist. Sirius appeared above him, grinning wickedly down at Remus. His long, onyx hair that escaped from his bun hung down his face. Remus reached between them to tuck it back behind his ear. Sirius caught his hand, a warm expression on his face. He pressed a soft kiss to the inside of his palm. Remus exhaled when those warm lips made contact with his skin._

_Sirius noticed his satisfied expression and gave him a confident smirk. “Like my methods, do you?” He leaned down to kiss him, but instead flicked his nose with a finger. “I’m a pretty spectacular boyfriend.”_

_“It’s_ my _birthday. Aren’t you supposed to be the one complimenting me until my ears bleed?”_

_“Smartarse.”_

_Remus laughed and tugged Sirius down to him. He wrapped his arms around Sirius’s bare waist. Sirius leaned into the embrace, planting his arms on the sides of Remus’s shoulders. He bent down the rest of the way until their lips met. Their tongues moved against each other and Sirius tangled his hands in Remus’s soft, golden hair. Remus breathed him in. Kissing Sirius felt like the first kiss every damn time._

_Then, much to Remus’s dismay, Sirius pulled back slightly until only their foreheads were touching._

_“I made breakfast for you,” he said quietly, his warm breath against Remus’s mouth._

_Remus groaned in protest. “I’m perfectly content here. Let’s just stay in bed. All day.”_

_Sirius chuckled. “I don’t think you can handle_ this _for an entire day.”_

_“Bugger off, you arrogant shite, and deflate that enormous ego while you’re at it.”_

_“I love it when you talk dirty to me.”_

_Before Remus could reprimand him, Sirius detangled himself from Remus and stood up. He was wearing only his boxers, his naked back exposed to Remus. He openly ogled the impressive, toned muscles, but only because Sirius couldn’t see him drool over a body he sees nearly every day._

_“Oi, get back here!” Sirius had walked out of their room and into the kitchen._

_“Hold on to your knickers, I’m getting your breakfast,” he said, amusement colouring his tone. Remus smiled smugly. He lay back on the pillow and grinned like a fool._

_The past few weeks had been like a dream. After moving into their new flat, it finally felt as though they were living the life they were meant to. The war had been invading their lives. With Death Eaters on nearly every street corner, there was no safety. Sirius had gone on several missions a month, while Remus was stuck in Grimmauld Place, waiting like a fool for his loved ones to return. There were times when they wouldn’t see each other for weeks. It had gotten to the point where Remus didn’t know if Sirius was alive or not. It nearly tore them apart. That was, until The Fight. Sirius and James had left on Dumbledore’s orders, but they were instructed to keep their plans a secret. According to Dumbledore, there was too much to risk if an outside source got a hold of what their plans were. So they left, not knowing when they’d return. Remus had to wait four months with not one word of whether Sirius would ever return. He’d begged Dumbledore to tell him, but to no avail. When Sirius came home, war in his every movement, Remus cracked. He yelled at Sirius and slapped him for leaving him. Sirius had taken the verbal beating and the physical one. He had merely gotten to his knees and begged for forgiveness; pleading for his trust._

_Since then, there has been hope for a better life._

_Remus sat up in bed when Sirius appeared in the doorway a few moments later, a tray in hand. The morning sun hit his messy hair, creating a black halo. He tried to look macho, but the fact that he was wearing only heart boxers and was carrying a small tray for his boyfriend ruined the ‘tough’ vibe. He looked adorable._

_“You look adorable.”_

_He scrunched up his nose. “That’s not very punk rock, baby.”_

_Sirius shuffled forward to their large bed. He looked pleased with himself as he set it on the bed. A plate of French toast topped with strawberries and drenched in maple syrup, a mug of steaming coffee, and a small vase with a single sunflower in it sat in front of Remus._

_“Do… do you like it?” Sirius asked nervously, chewing his bottom lip. Remus rolled his eyes at his anxious tone. He tugged on Sirius’s waist, bringing him closer. Once Sirius was at the edge of the bed looking down at Remus, he sat up on his knees until was nearly eye level with Sirius._

_“This,” he gestured to the homemade breakfast, “is the kindest thing anyone has ever done for me, except for the endless times you take care of me after the full moons. You are the most precious man to ever walk this earth, and I get the pleasure of calling you mine.”_

_“I love you, Re,” he growled softly. “You are the strongest man I know.” Sirius cupped his soft cheek and hungrily kissed Remus. “You’re everything to me.”_

_Remus lifted his arms and wrapped them around Sirius’s neck. Sirius’s lips trailed down his neck, leaving marks in his wake. Remus moaned when Sirius grabbed his legs and wrapped them across his waist, their bodies flush against each other. They continued to touch and lick and taste each other until only their moans filled the room._

_“I love you, too.”_

As soon as the memory came, it vanished like tendrils of smoke.

Remus didn’t realize he had been crying until the wind blew across his face and stung the salty tears. Remus cried and cried and cried until Sirius’s face was permanently etched into his memories.

“Remus?”

Lily’s voice.

He looked up to see her standing a few feet away. A pink box was in her hands, presumably the cake, but she placed it on the ground and rushed to him.

“Please talk to me.” He let out another sob, not able to stop the tears from falling. “It’s okay.”

Lily grabbed his shoulders and wiped away his tears with a shaky hand. “It’s okay, I got you.”

“I…” his voice cracked from months of unspoken words. “I-I miss…him.”

At the sound of his voice, Lily’s eyes filled with tears. She clutched onto him, unable to hold herself up.

“I know, Remus. I know.”

“I need him…I can’t l-live without him,” he finally says the words that have been circling through his mind since he watched his soulmate float into the veil.

“Yes, you can,” she told him, but he shook his head with hopelessness. He cried out in pain.

“Remus, look at me,” Lily lifted his chin with a finger. “You _need_ to live. Sirius loved you to the goddamn ends of this earth, and if he knew you hated yourself for this, he would tell you that it’s not your fault. What happened that day was not your fault. You didn’t kill Sirius, so don’t you dare put that burden on yourself. Do not carry his death on your shoulders. Remus, you need to harness the light that he brought to your life and use it as your will to _live_.”

_I love you, Re._

“You can’t let that light die, Remus.”

_You’re the strongest man I know._

“He loved you.”

_You’re my everything._

With Lily’s promises and the memory of the man he loved, Remus slowly stood up to his feet.

He needed to live. For Lily, who cared for him in his dark days, who made sure he was never alone. For Sirius, who would not die in vain, who gave him love that would last lifetimes.

And for himself, the man who loved and lost, for the strength of the light that never truly went out.

**Author's Note:**

> This was a pretty hard fic to write... especially on Remus Lupin's 37th birthday. But it had to be done. Remus coping with the death of his soulmate is such an emotional concept that needs to be written more and more.  
> This is inspired by the amazing song, There Is A Light That Never Goes Out by the Smiths (one of Sirius's favorite bands).  
> Thank you for reading it, kudos and comments would be much appreciated (:


End file.
